My Geek Baby

For some it is joining the military. For me, it’s joining the ranks of breastfeeding mothers. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My first three days went like this.

Day 1: Elated, over the moon that I have created a human being who I have the ability to feed
Day 2: It feels like piranhas are biting me!
Day 3: Is that blood?

The La Leche League’s book, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, is the go-to guide for all things related to breastfeeding but frankly, it is humorless. I rely on it for factual information but for laughs and a “I hear you, sister” the book “Breastfeeding Sucks” by Joanne Kimes is the book for you. Kimes publicly recognizes that although breastfeeding is one of the most special times in a new mom’s life, it is also the most challenging. Round the clock feedings every two to three hours? NOT supplementing with formula or allowing hubby to give a 3AM bottle? Yikes. Kimes addresses all the necessary things a new mom needs to know about healing sore areas, dealing with frustration, expressing, and weaning.

Kimes on timing: “Your baby is latched on well, your milk is flowing as freely as Denise Richards’ hair and you can hear your baby gulping down mouthfuls of warm milk. You finally experience that amazing sensation that breastfeeding can bring…But when after forty minutes of this fulfillment there’s still no end in sight…you begin to wonder, “How long do I have to keep this thing on me?”

During the first week it seems that this breastfeeding well is nearly impossible even when baby is a voracious little eater. Mom alert: We need to give ourselves a break when we can’t live up to the ALL or NOTHING hype. In the early days, baby was losing too much weight and her pediatrician suggested (but let us decide) to supplement with a little formula, which we did. And it gave me some sleep and some sanity, although the nursing strike we encountered last night may be a result of our decision and we have to live with that. At six weeks, baby is certainly not trying to wean but there was a palpable sadness that overcame me as we gave her more and more bottles into the evening, after she screamed her little head off at my breast, which is a real kick to mom’s feelings, let me tell you. I started thinking, “I should have cherished those precious moments more” and “I shouldn’t have played Scrabulous!?” among other things, instantly romantaticizing the experience as if it has been all positive and not at all tear-inducing or physically painful. It is wonderful. And hard. Like all things worth working for in life…

Book Review: You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation

If you’re a woman, you’re also a daughter. You have a mother. These are two distinct roles that play out over a lifetime. So what happens when you become a mother to a daughter? You probably have a new appreciation for some of the things your mom has said to you over the years because suddenly you find yourself SAYING THEM. My mother is funny and sarcastic and loving. And I have picked up all these attributes along the way. But when those snarky comments are directed at me, it stings, and conversely, when I had moments where I thought I was being clever, I ended up feeling bad afterward. In part I blame all the summer Scrabble games that taught me so many words to use at just the right time! Admittedly I was a smart mouth. On the rare occasion where I asked permission to do something wacky (But everyone is going unchaperoned to the Amazon to go cliff diving) and Mom would say, “I don’t care” I would respond, “I know you don’t!” trying to turn it around.

So I really enjoyed Deborah Tannen’s book on the very subject that vexes mothers and daughters - understanding each other. As a daughter and a sociolinguist, Tannen gets to the heart of the matter of communication with so many examples of people that are eerily similar that I found myself wondering at times whether she was channeling parts of my childhood.

Innocent questions posed to a teen girl such as, “Are you wearing that tonight?” said (or heard/perceived) in the wrong tone can set off World War III of teen clothing debate. Same goes for comments about weight, too much or too little makeup , whether or not we need hair cuts etc. I wanted to wear makeup in seventh grade which got a “No” but when I was a freewheeling make-up eschewing college student I heard on occasion, “why don’t you put on a little lipstick?”

Moms seek to improve. Daughters demand autonomy. Or moms allow daughters to be free and make their own decisions and daughters feel that they should have had more mentoring. But if someone else were to criticize the daughter, the mother would very likely come to the daughter’s defense.

Tannen sums it up like this: “Talk typically plays a larger and more complex role in girls’ and women’s relationships than it does in boys’ and men’s…Among girls and women, talk is the glue that holds the relationship together–and also the explosive that can blow it apart”

A friend, who I hope doesn’t mind being used as an example said this about a recent conversation with her mother. “When I told her I’d be over to her house around 2pm after I go running she said, ‘You can run when I’m dead!’” to which I laughed hysterically even though I wasn’t sure the mother was kidding. She seemed to be saying that she wanted to spend more time with her daughter but blurted it out in such a way that would make the daughter less inclined to want to visit at all. And so it goes. We try to communicate our needs and desires but the words make a mess of our nicest intentions.

Approval seems to be the big issue for many daughters. I wanted my parents approval on one level but rebelled with an eyebrow piercing, a summer month of dreadlocks in my hair and finally moved on to the ultimate parental affront: the tattoo. When my mom and I were talking about the tattoo she would likely see upon my wedding dress try-on day she said, “Well I hope your children like them!” to which I had no response. How can I respond to that? She didn’t have her ears pierced until after she was married. We are from different generations and what society once thought only appropriate for sailors now finds almost mainstream. Look at it from her perspective. That’s what I try to do. And when I said that I would never live in the town where I grew up, I could feel the hurt before the words were even out of my mouth, when what I meant was that it would be hard to find a good paying writing job in a town that relies heavily on the tourism industry. I like the beach town where I grew up and miss the good times I spent there growing up, especially as carefree days by the pool drinking home-made sun tea are few and far between.

Next month, I will become a mother to a girl. Once I HAVE a daughter and my role has come full circle, I have to wonder what kinds of things I will communicate to her. I hope they’re at the very least, funny, sarcastic and loving.