Book Review: You’re Wearing That? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation
If you’re a woman, you’re also a daughter. You have a mother. These are two distinct roles that play out over a lifetime. So what happens when you become a mother to a daughter? You probably have a new appreciation for some of the things your mom has said to you over the years because suddenly you find yourself SAYING THEM. My mother is funny and sarcastic and loving. And I have picked up all these attributes along the way. But when those snarky comments are directed at me, it stings, and conversely, when I had moments where I thought I was being clever, I ended up feeling bad afterward. In part I blame all the summer Scrabble games that taught me so many words to use at just the right time! Admittedly I was a smart mouth. On the rare occasion where I asked permission to do something wacky (But everyone is going unchaperoned to the Amazon to go cliff diving) and Mom would say, “I don’t care” I would respond, “I know you don’t!” trying to turn it around.
So I really enjoyed Deborah Tannen’s book on the very subject that vexes mothers and daughters - understanding each other. As a daughter and a sociolinguist, Tannen gets to the heart of the matter of communication with so many examples of people that are eerily similar that I found myself wondering at times whether she was channeling parts of my childhood.
Innocent questions posed to a teen girl such as, “Are you wearing that tonight?” said (or heard/perceived) in the wrong tone can set off World War III of teen clothing debate. Same goes for comments about weight, too much or too little makeup , whether or not we need hair cuts etc. I wanted to wear makeup in seventh grade which got a “No” but when I was a freewheeling make-up eschewing college student I heard on occasion, “why don’t you put on a little lipstick?”
Moms seek to improve. Daughters demand autonomy. Or moms allow daughters to be free and make their own decisions and daughters feel that they should have had more mentoring. But if someone else were to criticize the daughter, the mother would very likely come to the daughter’s defense.
Tannen sums it up like this: “Talk typically plays a larger and more complex role in girls’ and women’s relationships than it does in boys’ and men’s…Among girls and women, talk is the glue that holds the relationship together–and also the explosive that can blow it apart”
A friend, who I hope doesn’t mind being used as an example said this about a recent conversation with her mother. “When I told her I’d be over to her house around 2pm after I go running she said, ‘You can run when I’m dead!’” to which I laughed hysterically even though I wasn’t sure the mother was kidding. She seemed to be saying that she wanted to spend more time with her daughter but blurted it out in such a way that would make the daughter less inclined to want to visit at all. And so it goes. We try to communicate our needs and desires but the words make a mess of our nicest intentions.
Approval seems to be the big issue for many daughters. I wanted my parents approval on one level but rebelled with an eyebrow piercing, a summer month of dreadlocks in my hair and finally moved on to the ultimate parental affront: the tattoo. When my mom and I were talking about the tattoo she would likely see upon my wedding dress try-on day she said, “Well I hope your children like them!” to which I had no response. How can I respond to that? She didn’t have her ears pierced until after she was married. We are from different generations and what society once thought only appropriate for sailors now finds almost mainstream. Look at it from her perspective. That’s what I try to do. And when I said that I would never live in the town where I grew up, I could feel the hurt before the words were even out of my mouth, when what I meant was that it would be hard to find a good paying writing job in a town that relies heavily on the tourism industry. I like the beach town where I grew up and miss the good times I spent there growing up, especially as carefree days by the pool drinking home-made sun tea are few and far between.
Next month, I will become a mother to a girl. Once I HAVE a daughter and my role has come full circle, I have to wonder what kinds of things I will communicate to her. I hope they’re at the very least, funny, sarcastic and loving.
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